& its 2010.

writters block.
its been a bitch.
i dont think ill be coming back.

& its empty tonight

i
wish i
knew what to
expect when i get
to where i am going.









disconnecting.

& the one thing that stays the same

its like the stray cat you feed once, that always comes back.

im still finding dead birds on my porch.
your tokens of affection are wisely chosen.

& at such great heights

i feel like im on top of the world.
i have everything i could ever wish for.

i catch your eyes in the dark, one look relives the memory, remember me the way i used to be...

i've been up for days
and i feel like a menagerie
i'm scratching 'til i bleed
and i keep on seeing
imaginary lemurs
in the street
in the middle of the day
but as long as i can breathe
then i know i'll be ok
i'll be alright
i'm out of mind
i'm out of sight
i'm out of sight

i've been up for days
and i feel like a laboratory rat
inside a maze
and i reel in the monotony of
screaming
at the moon
in the middle of the day
but as long as i can see it
then i know i'll be ok
i'll be fine
i'm out of sight
i'm completely out of mind
completely out of mind

ok
alright
come and watch me shake tonight
mouth wide
soft and bright
bite my hand and scream
ok
alright
come and watch me break tonight
push deep
out of sight
bite my hand and hold on tight...




i get lost too. every day feels like another wasted dream.
i catch myself looking back at things that have passed me by.
i catch myself remembering things id rather of forgotten.
& i catch myself forgetting the things id rather of remembered.
getting lost inside my mind again. losing sight of the bigger pictures.
the biggest challenge is.....





nothing important anymore.
i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i

& apparently we ended everything

i cant grasp the concept of anything anymore.

i feel uncomfortable, almost permanatly.

i dont even think i miss home at all...

i just miss my dog.






i didnt miss you today, or yesterday, i havent missed you in a long time...thats okay.

& your lips should be sewed together, the things you say....

eric says some really fucking dumb shit.

& birthdays get better the day after

thankfully cos actual birthdays can be the worst days too.

& less than a week

i think i am about to embark on one of the greatest adventures of my life.



i feel like i am standing on top of the world, instead of the world on top of me.


holy shit does it feel refreshing.

& its just bad news

kjdwfhdsk,jfhskdalsaksjdfjkdshlfjsfdlds

fuck fuck fuck.
its nice to know that because of my fuckup parents, my future is at stake.
i wish they just put me up for adoption like everyone else...
i guess its just easier forgetting than doing the right thing.
fucking assholes.

& everything comes to an end

i dont even know whats left to say.

not sure where i may have gotten confused or misunderstood.

somewhere along the lines of "..i was going to suprise you.." & the late night phone calls.

ill just thank you for the sake of being a better person & put the smile back on my face.

& to think, i saw greatness somewhere along being led on, i guess i was blindsided

because if i had seen clearly, i wouldnt be in this situation to begin with.

thanks for the memo, i know you only had the best intrest at heart..

xox

went to a job intreview with no knowledge that a bird had shit on my sleeve until after i went to shake hands with the manager.

thanks birds, i think its your mission in life to shit on people who look like they are going somewhere important.

& then the phone rang.

i wasnt expecting a phone call from him today.
not in the least, but i answered anyways.
hes in town, just wanted to call and let me know.
tells me hes on the beach with waterfront view hotel room.
& ask if i am going to come see him tonight..
i laugh, & ask if hes serious. he replied "yes".
i wont lie, my heart skipped a few beats before i caught my breath.
but i havent even seen him in what two years?!


two years ago he walked up to me
& cupped my face in his hands & kissed me.
catching me off gaurd & unable to figure out what happened.
two years & we havent even seen each other since that night.
& im pretty sure his girlfriend is sitting in his new house that he bought.
but yet, hes calling me, begging me to come see him.
funny how things workout.
you had your chance & you threw it away.

no regrets.

& post script:

their voice is smooth and it gets to my head.

i dont know whats come over me, but i like it.

fingers and toes crossed, wishing on the wishbone

trying to catch shooting stars with my eyes on the sky

feel like im floating high and nothing can keep me grounded.



im absolutely turning into a total girl.

feel like im playing operation with my organs

buzz from the tweezers because they cant catch my heart

when its pounding right out of my fucking chest.







i should sleep, but its already 5am.
fuck me. i cant get this song out of my head.
i cant get him off my mind either.

i need a miracle or a mindreading tool.

either or works for me.





"& its not what good girls do........"

& insomnia.

I never sleep anymore.
anxiety issues, perhaps.
regardless, i miss dreaming.

& so it comes to this..

"you can not control how you are percieved by people, only how you present yourself."

&"expect the worst, you will never get disapointed"

sometimes i wonder what it would have been like if my family never got tangled up in drugs.
where would i be now, where would they be? dysfunctional as my family may seem, i do love them, im just disapointed, their actions have never proved to be for the best, only for themselves, selfishly. i just wonder how i came about myself, and how i built my character. i have been told numerous times that "its amazing that after everything you have been through, you still have not given up, and your not a horrible person". i know, it should be taken as a compliment, as it is most of the time, but i wonder where i went to get to where i am now. i have honestly not thought about whats made me the person i am. i know i am who i am because of the things that have happened, but what made me become such a strong person, in comparison to the rest of my family? where did i learn to know right from wrong when no one has ever taught me?


sometimes i wish i was able to find old videos of my parents, when they were in "love". im always told that it was the truest form of love people have ever seen. high school sweethearts.
i often wonder if it just disapeared after i was born, and i was the reason for it. i know its not me personally, i never asked to be here..that was their actions that led me to be here, which is great & all, but somehow along those lines and times, what they once had together, left.
i often look back at photos of when i was a baby and toddler, and i can still see a bit of sparkle and shine in their eyes, where they had not yet lost their hearts. along the way as i look further into my younger years, i see the difference in how they were then, to how they are now.
its sad to see. they were just babies themselves when they had me. i doubt either of my grandparents would ever of expected them to live the lives they have lived.


i swear sometimes the start of bad lives comes from the start of a bad home. which makes me wonder why i havent been the same way, but everyone else around me seems to be falling along not caring where they end up, or how they will be. am i just one of the few who have the heart to break through everything and shine? i may not be shining all the time, but somewhere youll always see the sparkle glittering, waiting to come out. it just takes time. its taken alot of time to get to where i am now. i am proud of myself. i dont hear it enough, but i tell myself it, as if it were my family saying it instead. mark my words: i will get to where i want to be and im sure i will struggle, i will break down, i will make mistakes along the way, but when i am finally happy with everything and everything ive done, i can at least say "you were wrong" to everyone that ever thought different. im a survivor.

my entire life ive heard behind my back people saying "she will only end up just like her parents"
"by the time shes 16 she will already have kids and on drugs" "shell be dead or in jail by the time shes 17" "shes never going to amount to much". funny thing is the majority of people who said this were all adults, who never stepped in to show me the way, only prejudged what they thought they already knew. funny thing right? because as an adult if you see something like that, or you think something like that, you would ONLY hope that you would somehow help, being a better person and all right?

no, you all stood around and watched, waiting for me to crumble.

"reach for the moon, at least if you fail, youll still be amongst the stars"

still standing, in whole, few quirks, lots of mistakes, and plenty of lessons learned, im still on it.

no matter what road i follow, ill find a way to make it happen.

& wonder.

life after death? Rencarnation?

i always catch myself wondering the if, ands, & buts about it. as i am most certain that we all have. but recently i came across a random thought after watching a movie in which the person quotes "will my new heart love you as much as my old heart?".

so the question really is, as simple as he has said it to be, yet here i am wondering, is this so.
do the hearts of those who once had a different owner, still love the same person and things they once loved before. or could is love not really about the heart at all, only mind & body? what really is love when whats said to be the soul of love is the heart, if the heart is gone?

does the love fade away? mostlikly not, the idea of love, the thought of love for that person.

im at an odds end wondering about a possibly pointless question, a possibly pointless thing to wonder to begin with. yet here i am..getting lost inside my head.

i wonder all of this because it wasnt to long ago that someone i loved, who loved me back in a platonic way of some sort, passed away in a car accident. this said person, was an organ donor.
maybe his heart is somewhere else, and what was once in his heart that he loved, may somehow be connected to this newer body/person who now holds it. could this be possible? or just surreal.

im betting on surreal, but again, i like these sort of things, the things that you will never know.

maybe i will bump into this said person holding his heart and our eyes will meet and a flash of dejavu will appear before them. would they feel connected or out of place, or just continue walking by and never wonder the same thing i am wondering. have we met before? no, but their heart was once a heart that cared for me, so would they feel a connection with me through that? do they ever have things like this happen to them in general. where they come across something or someone that somehow they feel a bond to, when they have never even known or thought or heard of this said thing or person?

i think my goal is to meet the new person holding his heart. maybe they will be just as wonderful as person he was and more because of this said heart. maybe they became a new person because of it, maybe they know that there is a connection to something unknown that they can not control and they too themselves wonder.

how odd would it be to meet this person, the heartholder? too see the difference between the too, and realizing that the same exact heart in their body, controling their lives is the one that failed to save my friends. for me to know the person who had given that heart up so another life could live.

i guess i could go on for ages the questions and possibilities of this "wonder" but all there really is to do is wonder.. so ill leave it at that, and let others come up with their own ideas and imaginitive things that people tend to come up with, when left in the dark about the unknown things that revolve around us.


on another note, im glad i wonder things like this. it helps me feel more grounded when i do.
it amazes, amuses, and annoys me, but all in the same, its exciting, and without wonder or possibilites, what would we really have left to want to learn in life?

so wonder on about that.

& too much of you

i dig life.

& ive been trying to reach you, but screaming gets me nowhere

whats the point
cant say i never tried i broke my back bending over backwards my ears bleed out from hearing the words come out your fucking mouth you set ablaze the only thing that kept me sane now im stuck in this rut just dying to breathe the words lodged in my throat waiting to be released but my efforts are hazy, maybe i just got lazy & the truth wont set me free. so can you tell me? whats the point in finding truth when it can only destroy what we built between you & i?