& breathe out..

the biggest thing i have yet to of learned is to let go.
its the hardest thing, but most times, the right thing to do.

i never expected to be where i am now. i have said this a million times before, as i sit here and say it again. yet, for some reason, it never sinks in, not quite as much as i may have hoped for it to. i sit here, at a ripe age of 21, with 22 waiting around the corner in a mear few months. i feel as if i have lived a thousand lives, and im stuck in a timeless capsule, just waiting to be released & let loose. most people in my position, old and young, would chose to remain bitter, angry, and hurt by the things they find "unacceptable, harmful, hurtful, tramatizing, or heartbreaking".

for some reason i can not stand back and watch the world around me. in a month, i know i will be at odds end when a certain situation arises. how i may handle it, i am unsure. its one of those "should i stay or should i go" momments that i often catch myself in. unaware that unnessisary drama may arise, and unaware that this could either hurt me & only make me stronger in the long run.

knowing myself, im sure i will choose the hard road to follow, the one with every crack, crevice, & stain that will make me wonder whats really more important, getting home, or getting lost along the way. sometimes getting lost, is the only way to get home. through that, you find the bits and peices of yourself, and you slowly let go of the bad things and turn them into something positive. life really is what we make of it. as of lately, my life has been wonderful, aside from those bits and peices of me letting go after realizing certain things ive been holding onto, or particular things i never knew about myself.

i will always still be the little girl, getting lost along the way, living in a constant daydream of bliss and serinity, and few momments of uncertainty & unhappiness.

& the bigger picture, just gets bigger?

as of late, i have more or less been "seeing the bigger picture".
last night i met a girl, who reminded me very much of myself 5 years ago in a nutshell. Oddly enough, shes had similar happenings in her childhood & so forth. It was bizzar talking to her, knowing full well that perhaps this was a younger version of myself.. at first glance, i was judgemental, she seemed annoying, and yes, she turned out to be too..but it was more than just that. She was piss drunk and her entire body showed of being sad or depressed, it was almost heartbreaking to sit there & look at this, almost mirror image of myself from when i was younger. Here she is, somewhat kept to herself in this momment of sheer drunkness, whereas earlier in the night, she was the loud mouth center of attention seeking girl who had the bubbly persona, yet a side that was bitchy & smartassed. At this point, i am weirded out. whos idea is it to put a mirror image of me from the past, and have me now conversating with this. as ackward as i felt, staring, sizing her up, i couldnt help but to feel sorry for her, whereas earlier i just hadnt liked her. so there i am, with her talking slowly and in an slightly husky voice telling me about her past & how her life was so bad. i couldnt help but to look at her in the eyes at this point, & say "who the fuck cares". of course, if i was myself then, i would have said this, but being who i am now, i simply said "dont let everyone know about your life, youll only gain pitty friends & no truth within them, wait and let people befriend you because they want to, not because they feel sorry for you, youll find your real friends this way, and sort the rest out as aquantiences"

i cant imagine the ordeals i put my friends through.

long story short, my horoscope seemed on point today, exp. after last night & watching a mirrored image of myself years ago.

& ad nauseum et infinitum

dirt..

"I never expected life would have been as complicated or dificult as it may have seemed.But quite simply put, it really wasnt as bad as you can make it out to be.Give or take, its what you can make of it, the memories you choose to keep, the ones you kept locked in a skelton closet, dusty, dirty, & deprived from any fraction of truth, the best kept secrets, were never secrets at all, only stories told periodicaly through slow slurs of imaginiative words & deceptions.

If kept simple & as easy as it had seemed, it would have been a rather boring story to begin with.You make up this notion inside your head, that everything has to seem worthwhile, exciting, thrilling at the least, otherwise what sort of life could we possibly be leading. Feeling regretful of the things we didnt do, shamefull of the things we once did, enlightened by the things we have overcome, & scared of the things we may face in the future. so pretentious right? as if you knew the meaning yourselves.

pretending the ignorance & attitudes will bring you further into this oblivious state of mind.making shallow attempts of importance, when really, your just being ignored. In this world, nothing is what it seems, nothing is what it is, or was, or will be. a constant change between whats real and whats just a dream. trying to find yourself somewhere inbetween the reality of it all & what you desire it to be.reality. it should have already smacked you somewhere in the face ages ago, but here most are, somewhere tangled up in lies, ignorance, importance, dreams, and shallow hopes for one another.somehow your still not moving forward, youve just been stuck in the past. reminising about things that never mattered, or if they had, they wont matter years from now. its your life, in your hands, its your choices that put you where you stand now. undefeaded, or shortly defeated. No one is perfect. quit pretending to get ahead of the game. mistakes are made throughout life, frequently. more commonly than hoped or expected. rather than hide the facts than face the truth, come clean with yourself & realize the everything was never perfect and will never be. the postion you are in now, is no where near where you could or should be, had effort, determiniation, and heart been put into the right places. rather than scandalize everything & taste bitter words that only come back to haunt you. imagine years from now, where you want to be. now imagine, years from now, where you will really be. we tell ourselves lies, in desparation, with hopes of overcoming this constant battle of anxiety with the unknown factor of where life may place us. i know its not always the road we choose, sometimes its where we are forced to go, where we have no choive but to move, in order to advance somehow outside of the box. generaly speaking, somewhere down the line, it ultimatly is our very own responsibility that gets us where we want to get going to. sometimes responsibility can be mistaken for fear. its okay. fear builds character, without character, there is an empty space, waiting to be molded. would you rather be molded by the decisions others made for you, or by the ones you made for yourself. no matter where you go, the people stay the same. some more intense than others, others more shallow than expected. its life. when you meet those few far & between people that are worthwhile, meaningful, determined, honest, true, and real...those are the ones you hold onto.some of those people are still hidden benath who they really are, showing some sort of shallow shadow effect of what they want to mold into being, to fit in, to feel important, wanted, loved.face the facts, everybody wants to feel that. & somehow we are all needed. without each other, it would be a long lonesome place to live in. a place where dreams die & misery prevails.

someday, we will look back at those momments we found fun, realize they were fun, but not as fun as we hoped, had it been more honest, raw, and real. someday we will realize nothing was more important, than being true to who we were, are, or had become. keep your eyes open, maybe you might see the truth beyond. maybe you can actually picture the beauty inside everything and what makes you so honestly important to the next person, why you had that effect, and how somehow years later, it made you, who you are now.

define yourself beyond ignorance.
you might be suprised at what you may find.

complete and utter ramblings of nothing important, with no direction, no directed person, place, or thing in mind, just delusional thoughts from insomnia and peace of mind."

something written once before by myself
still amuses me now.